You know, some of us like to have breeders for friends. That’s okay. We all have our quirks. You may even like to hang out with straight people when they’re paired off and cutsey-wutsey in love. But what about that Twilight Zone moment when the guy starts hitting on you? Uhh…isn’t he in a relationship? With a dame? There are two bad responses to this: 1) Pretend it didn’t happen, and 2) Sleep with him. As for the good responses, well, read on for how to deal when a guy with a girlfriend comes on to you
Analyze What Just Happened.
Maybe you’re reading too much into it, maybe it’s just wishful thinking. Whatever the reason, just be as sure as you can that what just
happened really just happened. A “look” may not be enough—maybe he has indigestion—but a wink? A suggestive comment about cucumbers? An attempt to pin you to the wall and make out with you? Those are more likely to tip you off about what’s really going on here. Approaching him would be the next step, but if you don’t have much of a leg to stand on, don’t do it.
Talk to Him
Sit him down for coffee or another public, non-threatening activity and discuss with him what happened. He may deny it, he may confirm it. If he denies it, then just let it be and spend the rest of your friendly outing as buddies. If he confirms it, ask if he’d like to talk about it (e.g. how long he’s known, if he’s out as bi, if he’s actually gay and desperate for a beard, etc). Be his friend. If he’s hitting on a guy when he’s dating a girl monogamously, odds are he needs a confidant. However, if he denies everything and continues to hit on you, have a repeat coffee date and say oh-so-politely, “Dude. Stop bullshitting.”
Discuss Him Telling His Girlfriend
Perhaps in the same coffee outing, bring up with him what his plans are to say to his girlfriend. If they’re in an open relationship, then that’s cool. But if they’re monogamous and he’s clearly still setting his lasers elsewhere, point out that he can’t string her along forever. She’s probably a nice person, you know? So get the idea out in the open and see how he responds. He’ll likely resist at first, but he should eventually come around if he’s any sort of decent human being. He can only protect himself by hurting others for so long. It’s tough, but disclosure has to be done.
Give Him Resources
Since it’s likely he’s far in the closest, give him some links to websites or suggestions to support groups to help encourage him to be himself. Or just invite him to hang out with you and your super-gay friends so he can see how awesome and cool it is to be gay or bi. It’s great if you want to be his confidant or friend, but you can’t be his only resource. He needs to get himself out there and if you can help point him in the right directions, you couldn’t be more helpful.
Don’t Take Him Up On His Offer
But no matter how close and friendly you two get from this situation, don’t go to bed with him or otherwise engage with him romantically. Basically, the guy’s a cheater. It doesn’t matter what his excuse is, the fact still remains that he let his eye wander hardcore when he’d promised himself to someone else. That’s never okay and you deserve better than that. Could he change in the future? Certainly. But he’s dealing with some big stuff right now, which brings us to reason number two: he’s kind of in teenager mode. When someone first comes out, they usually go through a period of whoring it up. And that’s fine. But you’re most likely beyond that. If you’re looking for a steady, stable relationship, this just isn’t the guy for you.